Amy Gahran, “Stepping Off the Relationship Escalator: Uncommon Love and Life”

Roots of a social stigma against consensual nonmonogamy

There is a strong social stigma against consensual nonmonogamy — but where does it come from? It appears to draw on two ancient, deep-rooted beliefs that are common in many cultures:

1. Social territoriality. The belief that people can — and in certain contexts, particularly intimate relationships, should — be treated as a kind of territory. This is crucial subtext when intimate partners say or believe that they “belong” to each other. It’s also why, in an intimate relationship, partners might feel somewhat entitled to surveil, judge or restrict each other’s behavior, associations or choices. Such controlling behavior is especially likely for anything they believe might lead their partner to have sexual or romantic connections with others. This gets to be dicey territory; a socially acceptable level of monitoring and limits can easily shade into an abusive relationship. Furthermore, people sometimes believe that failing to exhibit territoriality toward their intimate partner might indicate weakness or a lack of care or commitment.

2. Sex negativity. The belief that sex and sexuality are intrinsically evil and / or dangerous. Therefore they must be restricted to protect the safety of individuals, relationships, families, communities or even society at large. This tends to be most visible in attitudes toward female or queer sexuality, but it can apply to anyone.