Amy Gahran, “Stepping Off the Relationship Escalator: Uncommon Love and Life”
Five Hallmarks of Escalator Relationships
1. Monogamy. Under current social norms, this means a closed relationship where sex and romance are shared exclusively between two partners. Monogamy is actually about who a person is not allowed to share sex or romance with. Sex and/or romance commonly wane in long-term monogamous relationships, so monogamy does not ensure access to sex or romance — but it does preclude seeking it outside a monogamous relationship.
In contrast, consensually nonmonogamous relationships (where everyone involved understands that the relationship is not exclusive) are the most visible way, and probably the most common way, that people step off the Escalator. Some popular approaches to consensual nonmonogamy are polyamory, swinging, don’t ask don’t tell or being monogamish.
2. Merging. Riding the Relationship Escalator means that partners eventually move in together and otherwise blend the infrastructure of their daily lives, such as sharing finances. Furthermore, Escalator partners also tend to merge their identities to some extent. Typically they start to view and present themselves as a unit — for instance, saying “we” more often than “I.”
Relationships where partners deliberately choose to limit or avoid this kind of merging may be considered more autonomous. This can include choosing not to live together at all, or not full time. It also can mean socializing separately, making big choices (like career moves) independently, or not treating an intimate partner as a default companion or sole/primary source of support.
3. Hierarchy. Traditionally, some types of relationships typically are presumed to be most important — which means they usually get to trump other relationships by default. Typically, an Escalator relationship is deemed more important than almost any other adult relationship someone might have, such as friendships. (Parenting, and certain other responsibilities to immediate family, usually are permissible exceptions to this pecking order.)
In contrast, off the Escalator and especially in consensual nonmonogamy, hierarchy gets more complex and can become ethically and emotionally fraught. In egalitarian relationships, decisions about spending time, attention and other resources are made case-by-case, not based on a default or predefined ranking of relationships.
4. Sexual and romantic connection. People tend to assume that Escalator partners do (or at least, at some point, did) have sex with each other, as well as feel romantically “in love” with each other. Furthermore, it’s widely assumed that if an Escalator relationship is healthy and strong, then those partners should still share their sexual and romantic connection — barring considerations such as age, illness or disability. There’s a subtle stigma that if partners never connected sexually and romantically, then something must be wrong with, or at least not fully valid about, their relationship.
However, many people fall along the spectrum of asexuality: sex is not an important, necessary or desirable part of their intimate experience. And sometimes, people who do enjoy and desire sex sometimes choose to form committed nonsexual relationships, even life-entwined partnerships, with people who are not sexual or romantic partners.
5. Continuity and consistency, at least as a goal. The Escalator is a continuous, one-way trip. Escalator relationships are not supposed to pause or step back to a less-merged state. Also, Escalator partners have defined, permanent roles — for instance, partners aren’t supposed to shift between being lovers and platonic friends. (Well, actually this does often happen in long-term traditional relationships, but it’s usually not overtly acknowledged.) And finally, the Escalator is supposed to last forever; death is the only way to end an Escalator relationship that isn’t automatically branded a failure.
Nevertheless, many intimate relationships are fluid (shifting form or roles over time), discontinuous (on/off, or pause/play) or finite (agreeably limited by time or context, such as a summer romance). These can be deeply meaningful and significant — even though by Escalator standards, such relationships can be dismissed as insignificant, unhealthy, a waste of time or a failure.