Amy Gahran, “Stepping Off the Relationship Escalator: Uncommon Love and Life”

Three aspects of monogamy

Under current social norms, monogamy typically means that for the duration of their relationship, two people agree to mutual exclusivity in sharing three types of intimacy:

1. Sexual or sensual. At a minimum, monogamous couples typically refrain from sexual contact with others — specifically, physical contact involving the genitals, anus or breasts. For many monogamous couples, kissing and cuddling other people (at least, potentially attractive people), or other kinds of affectionate touch (such as holding hands), are also considered out of bounds. Likewise with phone or webcam sex, sexting or erotic emails. In its stricter forms, monogamy also can mean that partners are not allowed to flirt with or compliment others, look appreciatively at attractive people, mention that they find other people attractive, spend time alone with or perhaps even talk to potentially attractive people, visit strip clubs or enjoy pornography.

2. Romantic feelings and expression. In monogamy, often partners are not permitted to exhibit toward others the behaviors commonly associated with seduction, crushes/infatuations, courtship and falling in love. Nor are they allowed to respond to romantic or flirtatious overtures from others. In some cases, monogamy also forbids having romantic emotions, desires, or fantasies about others, even if these are never acted upon.

3. Emotional bonding. Some monogamous partners consider it out-of-bounds to share deep emotions, or emotionally laden experiences, with others who might be romantically or sexually attractive or available. This can include confiding with such people about emotionally sensitive topics such as one’s relationship challenges or unmet needs. Turning to potentially attractive others for emotional comfort, reassurance, validation, advice or to share joys and triumphs can be considered a significant betrayal. Sometimes, this practice is called an emotional affair and it may be considered more of a betrayal than sexual infidelity.