Kurt, “Horace and Pete”

— Sodomite, sodomite. What does that come from?

— From, uh, Sodom.

— Yeah, Sodom and Gomorrah. But I don’t.. I never knew that story, like, I don’t know what that story was.

— You don’t know the story of Sodom and Gomorrah?

— Not really.

— That’s how we know homos should burn, according to the Bible. I don’t think that, but the Bible, that’s where it teaches us about.

— What’s that story? What’s Sodom and Gomorrah?

— You know, it’s Abraham, the father of Israel and his brother Lot, and they’re picking a place to live, right? They each.. I don’t know why they have to live in separate spots, but they can’t live near each other. So, Abraham picks the wilderness, where good folks live in tents, right? Away from sin and what have you. And then Lot, uh, I think ’cause his wife likes fancy things, he goes to Sodom, which is.. You know, it’s like a gay neighbourhood, so it’s nice, right? I’m not really clear on what Gomorrah did wrong. I know sodomy is where we get butt fucking from. It’s just wrong hole usage, so Gomorrah, who.. That must have been ten times worse, ’cause they don’t even bring them up. But Lot moved to Sodom, and you know, it’s the biggest city and these people can’t use the right hole to save their lives, and as you know, God cares deeply about that, so he goes to Abraham and he goes, “I gotta tell you, where your brother lives, I mean, it’s crazy, they are just fucking anything and everything and I’m gonna just have to burn it with fire. That’s how bad it’s getting, you know?” And Abraham goes, “Lord, please, don’t.. Don’t murder everyone in the city, you know? What if there’s just twenty.. twenty righteous men? Twenty righteous men, don’t kill them.” And God goes, “All right, hold on, I’m gonna check.. Nope. There’s not.” And then Abraham goes, “Okay, ten.” He Jews God down and God ain’t having it and he goes, “Nah, there’s not even ten.” He goes: “But cheer up, I’m gonna save your brother and his family.” And what God does is send two angels disguised as travellers, okay? And they’re gonna get Lot out before the big, you know, droning. The biblical droning, let’s call it. So, uh, so they show up and they’re explaining to Lot what’s happening, and all of a sudden, there’s a knock at the door and it’s the entire city. Like, the whole.. Every man and boy in the city, like every single one has shown up and surrounded the house and they say, “Hey, Lot, you know those guys that just came into your house? Those two strangers? Send ’em out, because we’re gonna all fuck ’em.”

— No.

— Yeah.

— This is in the Bible?

— I’m paraphrasing it, but it’s.. They’re gonna fuck ’em. Yeah, I don’t.. I don’t get it either. I don’t know if that’s like the last.. Maybe they’ve just all fucked so much that there’s not a new hole in town, but I don’t know when Lot moved in how he got past that gauntlet of dicks that apparently.. Anyway, so Lot goes.. Now, this is also important, because besides how we know homos are bad, according to the Bible, this is also how we know that a straight man’s asshole virginity is much more sacred and precious than like your garbage pussy, okay?

— You said my pussy is garbage?

— Not your.. Well, no, all pussy is garbage, just in the eyes of God. Not to me, I like it. But I’m just saying, in the Bible, your.. To compare.. just an asshole hair of mine is worthless, and that’s in the story, so they go, “Send these guys out” and Lot goes, “Oh, my God, don’t.. Please don’t fuck our guests. All of you.” And he goes, “Look, take my two daughters.”

— No.

— He has two daughters, yeah. He goes, “Take my two.. ’Cause I know you guys gotta rape something, right? So at least get it in the right hole. I mean, actually, fuck ’em wherever you want, but just please don’t harm these two guys I’ve never met before.” So.. Well, so things looked pretty grim, you know, for those angels. And the angels say, “Let’s..” Now we’re gonna step in, and they strike everyone blind, the whole.. Every man in the city and boy, blind. And then they keep looking for the angels even though they’re blind. That’s one of my favourite parts and they’re like, “Where.. Where are those angels? I gotta have ’em.” And the angels lead Lot and his family out of the city, ’cause now there’s time to explode, and they go, “Listen, this.. Don’t even look back. We’re just gonna run straight outta here, do not look back, whatever you do. Don’t take any of your stuff, we’re just getting the hell out.” So they all are running, and then Lot’s wife, because she misses her stuff or whatever, she turns around, like wistfully, as they’re running, and turns into a pillar of salt. Yeah.

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